The Unbelonging - Joan Riley

The Unbelonging is a cruel book. One that everyone should read at least once, that should be included in a list of classics for teenagers to read at school, despite having sexual and violent content. Hell, especially because it approaches this kind of topics. They must be openly discussed, so that people may be aware of their existence, of how (not to) react if it happens to them; most importantly, to have empathy and some kind of understanding of how a mind that goes through all this shit works. If more people knew about all this, perhaps there would be more willing to help and change some things or another, so that at least the victim could get some help overcoming their trauma. 

I suppose you want to know what the story is about: we have this girl, Hyacinth, who moves to England to live with her father. She preferred her life in Jamaica, where she had her loving aunt, friends and no one judging her skin color. She has to deal with racism and rejection - at school, kids keep telling her how she shouldn't be staying in such a civilized place, that they "want no nigga here". The teachers ignore her suffering, pretending it's all kids game; at home, she still has to face rejection for that, and has to bear beatings, slavery work and sexual abuse coming from her own father. Hyacinth lives in constant fear and tension 24/7, never being able to relax even in sleep; she ends up becoming a very sad and secluded woman, ashamed of her skin, of her race, and of her experiences. She feels guilty for what happened to her, wishing she could be someone else so that no one would know about these events. She thinks about how everything would be okay if she had born white (or at least in a "pass for white" type of white skin) or, at the very least, if she had never left Jamaica. There is a point in her life where she just cannot cope anymore with the stress of rejection and closes up inside her land of daydreams.

The book also deals with the situation in Jamaica back in time, when it was being ruled mostly by white people, while practically all population was black. After her traumatic relationship with her father, Hyacinth started to consider that her people is indeed as fearful and savage as all white folks would tell her, and developed an internal racism which can be seen in her support for the white supremacy and even a sense of superiority over her own people, some of them her own friends. She's even glad not to be African black, but West Indian black. Hyacinth thinks that black people are dirty, noisy, obscene; and, after her father's attempt of rape, she became fearful of sex and men, associating it with rage and beating, but never told anyone for fear of more rejection. She never got any psychological help to overcome her traumas, nor accepted any point of view that contradicted her assumptions. More and more she turns to her world of dreams, where she was was never rejected, where there was a group of loving people around her. She did try getting up, to find a way to get back home, putting all her hopes in education. But, even when successful, reality is still far too horrible for her to be able to accept...

It is a depressing book. Horrible scenes, extremely sad passages, but it is also amazing; it felt very powerful. To how many women in the world stories like this must have happened? It is a must - it SHOULD be a must. And how come I have never heard of this author before?? No, a better question: why isn't it on sale, being printed? What about her other works of fiction? Only a few copies are available out there, all dating back from the 80's. It is not on stock on Amazon, BookDepository, nowhere. I just don't understand. I only know about it because my English Literature teacher put this book on our reading list for next semester, but it should be read by more people other than English majors! It is not a fun reading - it hurts. However, I'm sure that one of the most important things literature has to offer is to see other people's points of view, feel a bit of their world, be aware of others and, who knows, make the reader think of ideas to help them. After this reading, I kept thinking about how Hyacinth's life would have been so much easier if for instance, there was more space at school to discuss about racial and sexual topics - not all families have such background to provide for the kids (her father certainly didn't). No, unfortunately it wouldn't be an idea accepted in that time, but it should be nowadays. Why isn't it?? I AM SO MAD-

What is the best way to enjoy a story, Hermione or Jon Snow style?

Recently, I've started playing videogames for real, and my experiences with them got me thinking about a lot of things. One of them is how spoilers may or may not ruin your experience with a piece of fiction.

I remember when Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was released on the English-speaking countries: at the time, I wasn't fluent in this language, so I had to wait for the translation. To make myself less anxious during this time, I bought some magazines that had articles about the book to know more about it. Some of them had explicit description of the major spoilers, and I read EVERY SINGLE ONE. Even took the time to compare them to make sure there wasn't too much deviation between each, so that I'd know I was getting to know everything right. When I finally got the book in my hands, it was a great reading. I knew all that was going to happen, but the reading experience was great anyway, because I could enjoy every page nice and calmly.

Nowadays, however, I am a bit paranoid about getting this kind of information; I remember how it was an unique experience to read the Red Wedding chapters in A Storm of Swords without knowing ANYTHING about it. Last year, I read Macbeth, a many-centuries-old play which I knew nothing about, and I was completely absorbed by the plot. I want all my readings, watchings and, now, "playings", to be unique, I want to discover everything by myself, make up my own opinions about every detail, to be able to make up my own, particular involvement with the story. It's hard to do it when you get to know too many plot details.

The 'identity' fetish

One of the most valued things nowadays is personal identity. We are always motivated by media and society, to some extent, to be true to our own identity, as if it's the most important thing in life. I too believed in it, but I'm realizing how stupid we may act because of this; it can make you a prisoner of ideals that can change some time from now, and you'll be reluctant to abandon them for already having showed to the world your "true" persona.

Nowadays I believe that this identity thing, many times, is only for wasting my time and energy with worries of what people think about me, and for spending money on things not that useful. Also, it makes me treat and judge people in a way I don't think I should, and now I'm struggling really hard to try and change this behavior.

It all dawned on me after reading some of the last psychiatrist texts. He/she has some real good material in that site, and I reviewed many ideals of mine after reading them. In this one the author shows how incredibly selfish it is to focus so much in personal identity. Of course it is totally fine to be selfish and give attention to yourself sometimes, but it's not worth anything to worry about the image we make in the world:

"A narcissist looks the same every day; he has a "look" with a defining characteristic: a certain haircut; a mustache; a type of clothing, a tattoo.  He used these to create an identity in his mind that he will spend a lot of energy keeping up."

And it's truly awful! Let me give you a simple example of my life: I was always a tomboy in my teens. Didn't like make up, dresses, etc. The thing is, recently I started getting interested in fashion. I even got some dresses here but almost never wear them for fear of what others will think and say to each other. I KNOW it's stupid, I KNOW it shouldn't even be a problem, but it is; I got too attached to this identity of careless girl and now I can't get out of it. It really sucks - especially when you live in a place like Rio, hot as hell, what makes it the most perfect one to wear dresses.

My compulsive book reader identity is another one I had some years ago. I'd read anything, anytime, anywhere; nowadays, however, I am a very selective reader. I almost don’t buy books and mangas anymore, most don't interest me; and it took a while for me to accept this. After all, isn’t it so normal for all book lovers? After a good time, I finally realized I don’t have anything to do with other readers, and shouldn't be doing what I think they do; however, it was painful to abandon this identity, to leave this special group that actually only existed in my head. I'm glad I got over all this; In fact, as the pressure of a gigantic TBR is gone now, I read with more interest and vigor.

I hate myself for all of this, but when I look around me, others are doing the same. They agree and motivate me to keep acting as such, for you are supposed to put yourself in the first place and all. But I don't think this is good at all. You avoid meeting new people and doing new things because of what you think you are. It's time for me to stop caring about creating an image of myself that'll look great of social media, that'll make me more easy to be spotted in the crowd. But I don't want to be remembered by friends through an stereotyped image; I want to be remembered for who I am - a person.

Turning fun time into assignment

I've known that I take myself too seriously for a long time; my parents raised me demanding good performances at school, and I learned to take this ideal to every single area of my life. Surely it's good to be hard-working and fight for great achievements, but everything needs limits. And I have gone to ridiculous extremes last year.

It had become very difficult for me to concentrate in any book of personal interest. Watching any media had turned into an activity difficult to bear. If I went through ten movies last year, it was a lot. TV shows? Only managed about three or four, with few episodes and even less seasons, and for that I needed lots of courage and determination. Heck, I loved these things, why did I had to go through pain to do something light I used to enjoy?

One could say it was only me that had changed and all. And in fact, I did, just not for good. I would procrastinate and all because I wanted to do these things properly. I wanted to get all the innuendos, to critically analyze the photography, soundtrack, and all other details. Oh, and to pay attention to the story, too. Same with my reading; I'd transformed my hobby into an assignment without any meaningful purpose at all. I was treating myself as a professional critic - which I am not.

I guess I wanted to watch and read things critically, but I was doing it all wrong. I wanted to do those things for fun, during my free time, why was I doing this to myself? And it finally dawned on me that it was simply cause I took myself so seriously I couldn't bear watching and reading in a 'shallow' way. Also, I thought everyone I knew was doing it like that. I realized very recently it's not true. Most people are just like me: we watch/read, enjoy and form opinions AFTER the thing, and most times by thinking about what others have to say on the subject.

Of course we must have a critical view of stuff, but we too must chill out! If something about the material we're experiencing is important, we'll see it straight away or just after finishing it. Let me give you a simple, but nice example: the details of sexual subtext with Jaime and Brienne. I saw it straight away during my reading of the ASOIAF books in fact, they're so obvious I thought everyone had got it...  other details we missed can be appreciated later, like I'm doing now, rereading some POVs of this same saga.

My point is: WE CAN'T GET EVERY SINGLE THING IN ONLY ONE SITTING/WATCHING. Most probably, we'll need loads of them to get all the details. That's why it's so nice to discuss things with others - alone, we get only what matters to our view of life and fiction, according to our ideals and prejudices. With others, we are able to grasp more stuff by dealing with way different opinions!

So, if you're reading this, I really don't recommend acting in that way I used to. In fact, I still behave like this to some extent... If you're watching, reading, whatever, because you are interested in the story, go and enjoy it. Reflections upon it to form opinions on more deep level are definitely important, but they should come after experiencing all the material. Turning those nice activities into a chore so that you can mark it as done on Goodreads or other tracking sites is not fun at all.

GoT Season 5 Headcanons

It's Carnival season in Brazil, meaning it's that time of the year when I'd rather stay at home all day, everyday. One of my favorite pastime activities right now is reading speculation treads about Game of Thrones season 5 - as the book series is incomplete, the show will start taking even more liberties than an adaptation should do (in my world, we call this "fanfiction").

I like to imagine new scenes and approaches it could take. And, as someone who has Brienne of Tarth as her Queen of Love and Beauty, there's nothing I like more than to picture her and her house in more important scenarios. So... here are the ones I enjoyed the most. I'm not the greatest Westerosi geographer, I'm sorry if there is any incoherence regarding political information or something like that.

Warning: there's a spoiler-ish information for season 5, something that didn't happen in the books - not yet, at least.

Telltale's Game of Thrones: The Lost Lords

I didn't expect to write anything about the Telltale series for Game of Thrones since I've already done it, but the second episode, The Lost Lords, got me really hooked. I'd say I'm more excited about this franchise than with the TV show! The game creates an atmosphere of tension and fear that suits this world perfectly; and now I feel way more connected to house Forrester, specially after all these terrible things they are being forced to face.

The aspect I like the most is that we get to play with these new characters while having the original ones from the books and show in supporting roles. It's awesome to interact with them, and to see those people we know so well through different perspectives. I personally loved to watch how Tyrion can be both friendly and fearsome - he offers you help, but only if it is useful for him too. Plus, he won't move a finger if anything happens to you after this deal. It's a side of him that only-show people never get to know. We also meet Jon Snow for the first time in a distant, higher position, and I thought it was pretty cool. Finally, if I already liked Margaery before, I'm even more enthusiastic about her now (plus, Natalie Dormer is awesome even in pixels). 

About the story itself, I thought that we are in a well-paced development. I saw that many people thought it to be a bit slow, but we are in a situation in which the priority is to make connection and finding allies, so physical action is obviously limited. In fact, one thing I'm loving about this series is that there is no focus in fights nor mindblowing scenarios, but in the development of the characters in this tense world, where anybody can make you fall. This is what the A Song of Ice and Fire saga is about, and the Telltale crew got it just right.

How to College: Delivering Presentations

It's said that many people consider the stage to be the most frightening thing ever; I know what it feels like, but it all gets better after you get over the fear and the laziness and start training for real.

So, the first and most important step in organizing a good college presentation is: start doing it in advance. A week, at least. I've lost entire weekends preparing presentations I've procrastinated, and it's an AWFUL experience. It may be individual or in group, but it always leads to the same amount of stress. You may get a grade-worth work done, but I never recommend that. When you do this, you lose so much time stressing yourself because of something you could have already worked on. As I said in the other posts, it's never worth sacrificing your health, free time and capacity working like this.

Second step: learn how to leave your ego at home. That's the one thing that used to scare me the most, and make me procrastinate. Take 3 minutes of offline and alone time and ask yourself two things: "why are you nervous" and "who's intimidating you". Rationalize these fears you may not even know that are there; if it's the teacher that's making you afraid of it, remember that there'll be nothing to worry about if you make a good job. If it's your class colleagues, remember that, first of all, they'll most probably not even pay attention. If in your case they're actually going to listen to you, go back to the teacher's case.

How to College: Writing Papers

I used to write my papers during the week of the deadline. If I was in a particularly stupid mood, it would be done the day before. Was I able to do it? Of course! But the stress and amount of work, that were supposed to be dealt with during weeks, would be condensed in one or two days, and it never did good to my health and mind. Also, there is always the thought of not getting a good grade, that can annoy a student for weeks; and, because of the rushed work, sometimes they would really be pretty bad...

I was tired of living by these kind of emergencies. They are never worth the stress. So, following some ideas and tips online, I made myself a sort of step-by-step guide to writing my essays, papers, etc. This last semester of 2014 was a very tough one, and if I hadn't come up with this thing, I'd have freaked out (though this seems to be college life's uttermost objective...).

Learning how to college - a "series" by me

There's something important I would never have guessed about college: it doesn't matter how much you love your course, the evaluations will always be awful. The end of the semester is the perfect time to complain about life on twitter, put songs to play at maximum volume and ignore all responsibilities, right? Even if you manage to do all the tests without studying, or writing all papers in one day, it's always going to be the worst choice - it keeps you from sleeping and living properly. My third semester was a particularly crazy one, and I finally realized how this way of managing things is actually a damn waste of life. My senior friends say it's totally normal, that everyone goes through it all the time, but I've had enough. Either I learned how to deal with all this properly, or dropped the course (like many friends of mine have already done, actually...).

I started testing some techniques I found online about time management. There were some great ideas, like the using of Freedom (app to cut internet) and GTD (Getting Things Done). But I simply couldn't deal with them. In fact, they all got me even more anxious. I decided to select specific ideas from different sites and authors and, little by little, create my own sense of organization. I got into this in mid-2013, but only now I can say I actually have a system. Hadn't it been for all these things, I'd never been able to do all the things I achieved last year, nor would I have gone through this last semester at college without having a mental breakdown.

This month I had to handle two papers; me-from-the-past would probably have written anything in the very last three days before the deadline, just out of desperation. However, I was able to get everything ready in the very week before! It was still quite difficult and stressful, as I was actually trying to make a good work - so, in the end, the all the time I spent in it turned into something became very satisfied with. I wouldn't have done it without my personal system and my sweet and very helpful planner.

My cute 2015 planner :3

Times of silent desperation

I have a dog who sometimes acts quite angrily, and today my brother was shouting at her again. He gets pissed off really easy; for three years now, he has been shouting at her for not behaving the way he wanted. I tell him to be delicate, that she’s a dog, she doesn’t freaking understand people the way he does. Seriously, I think he just can’t get this: he acts as if the dog should know what he is thinking, he doesn’t want to do what it is needed for her to obey him. What really enrages me in my brother’s actions is that it was HE who most wanted to have her at home, and now he doesn't even help me to take care of her.

Seeing this reminds me of the millions of pets who get abandoned by people like him, who doesn’t have enough patience to instruct their animals properly. They think it’s not their own fault at all and, to save their oh-so-precious time, they just throw the pets away as some shitty object they didn’t like that much. I seriously start feeling sick every time I think about this; what makes my mind wonder about everything awful that is happening in the world right now: war, innocent children living in the streets, taking drugs and killing others to survive. People who fight to exhaustion for a sip of water, people who don’t live, but only survives. I think about the other animals who are suffering for lack of home on their natural habitat, or the ones who are being raised inside a cage like jars to be exposed or puppy-making machines. I wanna scream.

Knowing that all of this happens while I can lead a totally comfortable life is terrible; knowing I can’t change all of those situations is just mind blowing. When I start those reflections, the only conclusion I can get is: what’s the fucking point in living in a world like this? No, seriously, tell me, because I don’t see any. In these times, I lose all my will of being alive.

Despite some obvious problems, I love my life. But I feel extremely guilty of having so much while others have less than nothing; it's been hard to go through the day without getting sick and depressed.

I don’t wanna die; sometimes I wish I’d never been born at all…