The Unbelonging - Joan Riley

The Unbelonging is a cruel book. One that everyone should read at least once, that should be included in a list of classics for teenagers to read at school, despite having sexual and violent content. Hell, especially because it approaches this kind of topics. They must be openly discussed, so that people may be aware of their existence, of how (not to) react if it happens to them; most importantly, to have empathy and some kind of understanding of how a mind that goes through all this shit works. If more people knew about all this, perhaps there would be more willing to help and change some things or another, so that at least the victim could get some help overcoming their trauma. 

I suppose you want to know what the story is about: we have this girl, Hyacinth, who moves to England to live with her father. She preferred her life in Jamaica, where she had her loving aunt, friends and no one judging her skin color. She has to deal with racism and rejection - at school, kids keep telling her how she shouldn't be staying in such a civilized place, that they "want no nigga here". The teachers ignore her suffering, pretending it's all kids game; at home, she still has to face rejection for that, and has to bear beatings, slavery work and sexual abuse coming from her own father. Hyacinth lives in constant fear and tension 24/7, never being able to relax even in sleep; she ends up becoming a very sad and secluded woman, ashamed of her skin, of her race, and of her experiences. She feels guilty for what happened to her, wishing she could be someone else so that no one would know about these events. She thinks about how everything would be okay if she had born white (or at least in a "pass for white" type of white skin) or, at the very least, if she had never left Jamaica. There is a point in her life where she just cannot cope anymore with the stress of rejection and closes up inside her land of daydreams.

The book also deals with the situation in Jamaica back in time, when it was being ruled mostly by white people, while practically all population was black. After her traumatic relationship with her father, Hyacinth started to consider that her people is indeed as fearful and savage as all white folks would tell her, and developed an internal racism which can be seen in her support for the white supremacy and even a sense of superiority over her own people, some of them her own friends. She's even glad not to be African black, but West Indian black. Hyacinth thinks that black people are dirty, noisy, obscene; and, after her father's attempt of rape, she became fearful of sex and men, associating it with rage and beating, but never told anyone for fear of more rejection. She never got any psychological help to overcome her traumas, nor accepted any point of view that contradicted her assumptions. More and more she turns to her world of dreams, where she was was never rejected, where there was a group of loving people around her. She did try getting up, to find a way to get back home, putting all her hopes in education. But, even when successful, reality is still far too horrible for her to be able to accept...

It is a depressing book. Horrible scenes, extremely sad passages, but it is also amazing; it felt very powerful. To how many women in the world stories like this must have happened? It is a must - it SHOULD be a must. And how come I have never heard of this author before?? No, a better question: why isn't it on sale, being printed? What about her other works of fiction? Only a few copies are available out there, all dating back from the 80's. It is not on stock on Amazon, BookDepository, nowhere. I just don't understand. I only know about it because my English Literature teacher put this book on our reading list for next semester, but it should be read by more people other than English majors! It is not a fun reading - it hurts. However, I'm sure that one of the most important things literature has to offer is to see other people's points of view, feel a bit of their world, be aware of others and, who knows, make the reader think of ideas to help them. After this reading, I kept thinking about how Hyacinth's life would have been so much easier if for instance, there was more space at school to discuss about racial and sexual topics - not all families have such background to provide for the kids (her father certainly didn't). No, unfortunately it wouldn't be an idea accepted in that time, but it should be nowadays. Why isn't it?? I AM SO MAD-

My 3 literary faves of 2014 - book version

I guess it's safe to say that this year was the best one ever in terms of reading since I came of age. Not only because I got through many stories, but also because I experienced many different things. I finally learned how to read poetry and got into non-fictional books; I read things I didn't want to but fell in love with them by the end, plus I did some great rereadings. Right now, I'm going through a reading slump, but I hope to keep all this excitement for literature during 2015.

Anyway, without further ado, here are my favorite readings for 2014 - no ranking, just the ones that gave me a lot to think about while I would drown in feels.

• Bartleby, The Scrivener - A Story of Wall Street (Herman Melville)

In the beginning, it was only a college reading. Then, the plot started to become into something so much more than just a short story - it was disturbing me, a feeling that any good classic should provide to the reader. But seriously, what would you do if your work colleague stopped doing anything simply because he or she "would rather not to"?
At first, I was really annoyed with this Bartleby guy, only to slowly realize that this was not a joke, or laziness, or anything. It's all about... emptiness, and being imprisoned in your own home; it's also about empathy, and society's disdain for individual lives. It kind of reminded me of Kafka's "The Metamorphosis".
The story of Bartleby was stuck in my head for some days - during finals weeks, in fact! All I wanted to do was to place myself in the middle of the campus and scream "I WOULD RATHER NOT TO".

• High Fidelity (Nick Hornby)

This book is great if you're looking for a reality shock - that is, if you're someone who's been living in a somewhat privileged social position. The protagonist is Rob, a guy in his thirties who basically lives in permanent adolescence. His relationships - all of them, not only the romantic ones - are usually a huge fail because he can't care enough about other people. All he worries about is himself. Do you think he has any clue of that? Ha.
One day, though, he finally decides to find out what is wrong with his traumatic experiences with women, and some enlightenment is shone on his brain. It's a light, funny reading, but there's this more serious side which I really enjoyed, and I'm even planning on picking this book again next month, one year after my first read. Oh, and let me also recommend the movie, which is an awesome adaptation, and has a great soundtrack!

• A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms (George R. R. Martin)

Another one which I plan on rereading soon. If you don't recognize this title, it's usually referred to as "Tales of Dunk and Egg" - those short stories that take place 90 years before the events of "A Game of Thrones". A time in which Targaryens still own the Iron Throne - in fact, there are too many Targaryens running around the continent. One of them, Aegon "Egg", becomes the squire of a simple man named Dunk.
Even though he says he's a knight, this guy has almost no experience with a sword and no future expectations whatsoever. Dunk is practically lost in a very dangerous land, and usually gets in trouble for being so innocent. His connection with a royal child is very important in some situations, but it doesn't guarantee a good ending.
Speaking of bad consequences, I was devastated and had tearing eyes by the end of the damn first story. I definitely recommend all three of them for any ASOIAF book fan. And I'm already eager for the fourth one - though I do prefer that our dear GRRM finish the oficial series soon...

Well, I wanted to talk about other readings, but then this post would be around 10 pages long... do check my Goodreads page for more recommendations; and if you like fanfictions, stay tuned for part two!

Book Buying vs Reading

You know those people who buy so many books they practically become hoarders? I used to be like that. Let me make it clear that I don't wanna judge anyone's lifestyle, book buying habits, etc. I just wanna tell how and why I do not fit this style anymore, and that avoiding this collector's life has improved my life and my readings.

Well, I've been a great fan of books since my childhood. At school, I was always the-bookish-girl. I would not only read, but also reread many times the ones that were most dear, and there would always have something new to be learnt. But then I finally got to an age in which I no longer needed my mom to take me everywhere; I started buying things by myself, and somehow I think I mistook the pleasure of reading with collecting all these interesting volumes.

I'd not only buy a lot of books on bookstores - I'd also get many for free with friends that were giving away their collections, for example. My parents were so proud of this consumerism and accumulation on my part, cause oh, they had such a smart girl, right? When in fact what was happening at this time was me getting 10, 15 books per month and only reading two or three - with some sacrifices, four - from my entire collection. There was a point in which my to-read list was insanely long. And we did not even talk about my e-reader, which contained lots of free e-books, fanfictions from AO3, and many articles that had once been waiting to be read on my internet bookmarking file. Too much to read, too little time; simply thinking about its length made me feel a bit tired already.

It took me a while to realize how compulsively I was acting. When the space at home and money available started running out, I finally woke up, and one day I put myself on a sort of book buying ban. As this consuming had long become a habit, I knew I wouldn't be able to just stop buying; the impact would be too hard, and I'd certainly go back to it anyway after some time. I decided to put some meaning in it: I could only buy a book after reading four that were on my shelf.

It was hard to go through it at first, which is normal for a compulsive consumer, I suppose. But after some months the feeling of need to acquire new things started going away, and I was definitely reading more. I stopped using my time with going on the bookstore for that book that sounded so promising and/or everyone loved, and focused more on reading the pile I'd acquired during that couple of years. Because of this, I also realized how I didn't have any interest whatsoever in some of those books; the excitement over them had run out. I decided to sell and donate them, and others which I had read that I didn't plan on rereading. I would only keep the books that were really meaningful to me.

Today, I practically don't buy books if we compare with me-from-the-past. When I do, it's because it's not available on the local libraries, and I read it immediately most of the times. Sometimes I do buy books in order to also keep them as collection (eg. The World of Ice and Fire), but it's a meaningful one, you know. I have to say: it's such a relief to see a small to-read list! You know that you can finish it, you get excited about it, and so you look for it. I've also deleted a bunch of docs and Amazon samples on my e-reader, and now I only have stories and texts that I know why I wanna read. It's quite a great sense of freedom, to focus on just a few things.

I'm still on the buying ban though, just to make sure I won't fall for that black hole again. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bit alone in this kind of thinking, cause I see many friends of mine that love buying books for many different reasons but never get to reading them...  There is a video by Ariel Bisset which sums up perfectly how I feel about this habit - which I mostly believe I grew out of. And if you understand Portuguese, I definitely recommend this text (in Portuguese) that also deals with bookish minimalism.