Nowadays I believe that this identity thing, many times, is only for wasting my time and energy with worries of what people think about me, and for spending money on things not that useful. Also, it makes me treat and judge people in a way I don't think I should, and now I'm struggling really hard to try and change this behavior.
It all dawned on me after reading some of the last psychiatrist texts. He/she
has some real good material in that site, and I reviewed many ideals of mine
after reading them. In this one the author shows how incredibly selfish it is
to focus so much in personal identity. Of course it is totally fine to be
selfish and give attention to yourself sometimes, but it's not worth anything to
worry about the image we make in the world:
"A narcissist looks the same every day; he has a "look" with a defining characteristic: a certain haircut; a mustache; a type of clothing, a tattoo. He used these to create an identity in his mind that he will spend a lot of energy keeping up."
And
it's truly awful! Let me give you a simple example of my life: I was always a tomboy
in my teens. Didn't like make up, dresses, etc. The thing is, recently I started
getting interested in fashion. I even got some dresses here but almost
never wear them for fear of what others will think and say to each other. I
KNOW it's stupid, I KNOW it shouldn't even be a problem, but it is; I
got too attached to this identity of careless girl and now I can't get out of
it. It really sucks - especially when you live in a place like Rio, hot as hell, what
makes it the most perfect one to wear dresses.
My compulsive book reader identity is another one I had some years ago. I'd read anything, anytime, anywhere; nowadays, however, I am a very selective reader. I almost don’t buy books and mangas anymore, most don't interest me; and it took a while for me to accept this. After all, isn’t it so normal for all book lovers?
After a good time, I finally realized I don’t have anything to do with other readers, and shouldn't be doing what I think they do; however, it was painful to abandon this identity, to leave
this special group that actually only existed in my head. I'm glad I got over all this; In fact, as the pressure of a
gigantic TBR is gone now, I read with more interest and vigor.
I hate myself for all of this, but when I look around me, others are doing the same. They agree and motivate me to keep acting as such, for you are supposed to put yourself in the first place and all. But I don't think this is good at all. You avoid meeting new people and doing new things because of what you think you are. It's time for me to stop caring about creating an image of myself that'll look great of social media, that'll make me more easy to be spotted in the crowd. But I don't want to be remembered by friends through an stereotyped image; I want to be remembered for who I am - a person.
